Quote #6

“Every man’s life is a fairy-tale written by God’s fingers.”

(Hans Christian Andersen)

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Not Today, But Someday

Someday I will thank you;

I might not get the chance to say it to your face,

But I’m grateful

That you did what I wasn’t big enough to do;

I may never see you again,

But I’m grateful

That you inadvertently showed me who I need to be.

 

Today,

I am not ready.

Today,

I’m still hurting.

But one day,

I promise I’ll be thanking you.

 

Because I am already calmer.

Because I am already smiling for no reason again.

Because I am already better.


Tell Me It’s Okay – gnash

You’re Going To Find It

Tye sat next to me patiently on the curb in some old parking lot with overgrown weeds while I got not-dumped by my not-boyfriend over the phone.

She walked quietly beside me as I kicked every stupid weed in my path and cursed as loudly and as many times as I could.

She let me vent, she vented in return, and that’s essentially why our friendship works so well.

Because when Tye got not-dumped by her not-boyfriend a couple weeks prior too, when he said “I met somebody” just like mine did, I was seething.

That’s how I knew we were realĀ friends; that we were connected in ways we couldn’t exactly explain, but I needed her.

She’s too damn smart, too damn beautiful, too damn good for the men who pass her up.

And she said the same to me. And it was the first time I heard something like that and truly believed it.

“Damn it Gabby, you are the nicest person I know. Why do people keep hurting you?”

She sounded so defeated, so angry, that I wondered if she was asking for her sake as well.

See, Tye understands that it’s not just about an end to a little fling with somebody.

Tye understands that I knew my not-boyfriend wasn’t right for me and that he made me depressed while I made him anxious, and we laughed at ourselves for trying to make it work anyway.

Tye understands, and she sat with me in a creepy parking lot in the dark with mosquitos swarming around us to tell me this:

“You’re not the girl most guys want right now, but you’re the girl every guy is going to wish he had in ten years. You’re not the kind of fun that they want at our age. Morally, you are the best person I know. You have faith, and you are sweet, and you’re smarter than most of them because you figured out a long time ago exactly what you want and you won’t accept anything else just because it’s convenient. And you’re beautiful. God, I get jealous looking at you. But Gabby, you’re going to have a dog one day. You’re going to have a pretty house you can decorate. You’re going to go on vacations with your own little family. You’re going to be that person who has a kayak always strapped to the top of their Jeep. You’re going to find people, yes a man you love but other people too, who have fun in the same ways you do. You’re going to go on breakfast dates and take walks in the woods at night and swim in the ocean and you’re going to have a great life. I promise you, you’re going to find it.”

I never believed anything more than what she was telling me then because she said it with so much conviction, it was impossible not to.

I never saw the future I wanted as a possibility, a reality, until I heard the little crack in her voice telling me I’m going to be just fine.


Misguided Ghosts – Paramore

 

 

Little Lost Loves

The problem I face isn’t a lack of love,

No, I have felt love in it’s furthest depths,

I have felt so much love that I didn’t recognize myself,

I have felt so much love that it hurt even when we were euphorically happy;

I have felt the little sparks,

All the way to the kind that absolutely rip you apart;

I’ve gotten over it,

But you never really get over it,

You just adapt and act like you don’t care,

Until you don’t care in the same way you used to,

But even the little sparks,

The tiny flames with people as you start to think, “Maybe…”,

Or worse, “I hope…”,

They hurt in a way that’s just as terrible,

Causing just as much long-term trauma to the soul,

Shell-shock and sometimes flat out whiplash;

Because you might feel one or two real heartbreaks in your life,

You will feel yourself shatter all at once,

And you’ll wonder how you’re still alive when you can’t breathe anymore,

But the little ones will build up inside you,

They will sting a bit and you’ll get over it,

Until somebody else lifts you up and changes their mind about you,

And then it stings a little worse,

Like they’re both trying to kill you at once;

So it just keeps on happening,

Until your body is covered in so many welts and bruises that you have to wonder why you’re still trying;

Why am I still trying?

It all feels the same anyway.


The Breakup – LANY

Somebody Like You, But Actually You

How do you tell somebody you kind of need them when they don’t want to be needed?

I’m trying to show you I’m so indifferent, you can come and go as you please, you can lie to me and tell me you care when you don’t;

But in reality, no you can’t fucking do that.

I’m still a person. An overly emotional person, sure, but that’s the point.

Because it’s less about wanting more than what we’ve got and just wanting somebody like you around.

And I’m saying “somebody like you” because saying “I want you” is too strong;

You’ve got a bad habit of saying you want me too but then change your mind in a fluttering heartbeat.

But that’s not what this is about.

No.

This is about me instead of you for a change.

All I’m trying to say is I don’t have too many people I can talk to and I liked the little universe we temporarily created.

Can I have it back?

Can I have something to hold on to, because I’m so tired of falling when I don’t know how to get back up yet?

There are ghosts living in my head that don’t belong to me and I could do with a little time away from what I’m used to.

I could do with the illusion that every close thing I’ve ever had didn’t end because the other person got sick of me.

My happiness is not dependent on anyone else; I learned that lesson years ago.

But I’m not usually made of metal and sometimes I just get sick of being lonely.

Sometimes I just get sick of the way my life is turning out and I want somebody like you, somebody falling apart a little bit too, to sit with me and understand.


Nothing To Hold – Bonfires

I’m not sad

I’m not sad, I just keep losing motivation.

Give me something real to hold on to and maybe I’ll stay, but I feel nothing.

If I am nothing, I have nothing to give.

If I have nothing to give, I have no reason to be a leech to the rest of the world.

Your helpful reasons are kind, but simply not tangible enough.

I wish no one told me that my eternity might be alright either way, because it was the only thing that held me.

Okay that’s not entirely true, not really.

I had hope, but I hate it.

Hope is an ugly emotion, turning from pure to disappointing in a flash.

Hope is what breaks me, or has broken me.

Because I’m not sad, I’ve got shattered hope in it’s place.

And I’ve stopped telling people that I feel like a shard of glass hanging by a thread on the ceiling, and I’ve stopped telling people that I think hope is a pair of scissors.

A life without a purpose and sense of direction isn’t one I want to accept, but maybe I was wrong when I said everyone has a purpose.

I can’t stand allowing anyone else to think that way though, so I’ll take it back and pretend it’s something that only affects me.

If I’m honest I made it farther than I ever thought I would, I didn’t think I’d get to live much at all.

So here I am, loving the fact that I got a taste of breathing easily and being busy and liking myself.

I got to feel something for a while, I had people who wanted me for long enough and hard enough to forget this lack of feeling.

I know the high has worn off and people have lives to live, I’m not anyone’s responsibility.

So nothing lasts and most people learn to cope with it, but I’m not that strong.

I wish I could be a better example, but I turned out exactly like everybody else.

Yearning to be content in a world not built for contentment, and I’m not sure I can accept that anymore.

But don’t worry, I won’t do anything about it.

I’m not usually the type that’s all talk and no action, but maybe it’s for the best that I am right now.

All I’m saying is I’m just another human like other humans, except I don’t do the whole human thing as well as the rest of them.

All I’m saying is I’m probably not going to fling myself off a bridge any time soon, I just find comfort in thinking about it.

So again I’ll remind you not to worry, if you were.

I’m not happy, but I’m not sad either.

That’s better than the familiar ugly heaving and empty pain in my stomach, the one that makes me want to rip my intestines out.

Call it progress or don’t, but nothing hurts and that’s something to write home about.


Save Myself – Ed Sheeran

Let Go

You inadvertently taught me beautiful simplicity and how to let go

While still holding on tight

To purposeful things, honest people, that feel really good and only matter the most;

I hoped when I put you in a box to keep

You would do the same

But you filled the space between your cardboard walls so I couldn’t see;

So, yeah, you can move on and away if you really want to

I get it

You have to let go and find somebody more like you;

I thought I was letting go to make you some room in my space

But it’s okay

I’m kind of used to this scheme so I’m pretty unfazed.


Truthfully – DNCE