If I can’t dedicate several hours a day to solo creative time, I lose a lot of myself. I lose my energy, positivity, and at times, my will to live. I know that makes me sound extremely dramatic, but hear me out.
Today I said the words, “I think God forgot to give me a purpose.” Part of me believes that to be true for a multitude of reasons that I will not get into here, but I also know that I was made to do two things: talk about God, and make things. When I can’t do one of those, I go crazy. I lose my reason for being here. I fear a day when I can’t do either.
Lately, I haven’t been doing so well because I haven’t been able to dedicate adequate time everyday to doing anything creative. In complete honesty, I haven’t been doing well for over a year, but let’s focus on just right now.
I’m going to take some time away. I’m going to take time to go out and take photos, to write, to paint, to make videos, all without the pressure of posting them right away. I need to catch back up and be ahead of schedule as I have always enjoyed being. Plus, I just want to be invisible for a while. I will still read and like other people’s posts. Maybe it’s the wrong time to do this since I finally hit the 200 follower mark here and the 300 follower mark on my Instagram (hey, that’s not bad when only about 20 of those are people I know in real life), but I’m deciding to instead take it as reassurance that my blog will be okay.
I also need to reevaluate some things; to think pretty much my entire life through. I want to do what God wants me to do, but I’m not hearing much from Him these days, so I’m going to spend time focused on Him. I need God, I need answers, I need to be happier than I have been for far too long.
Frankly, I’m also tired of people asking if I am okay based on the things I write. I try to be a very positive person, but I have been told that my writing does not reflect that. I’m tired of people saying I make them sad with what I write, and I refuse to be responsible for contributing to other people’s heartache. If this blog is a detriment to other people’s mental health, then I will walk away and teach myself to write something else. I just don’t know what that is yet. This blog was my rock, the one stable thing in an otherwise chaotic time in my life, but it isn’t my blog anymore. It doesn’t feel like it is, anyway. It feels like it belongs to everyone else, to all the people telling me to change it. To most of the people I know personally that read my posts. I have to take each of them into careful consideration every time I hit “publish.” I know good writers do what they believe in despite what other people have to say about it, but maybe I’m not a good writer after all.
All of this sounds very dramatic and you’re probably ready to hit the unfollow button because you think I won’t be back for a year, or ever, but that’s not the case. I’m simply saying I don’t know exactly how long I’ll be gone, likely somewhere between a couple weeks and a month, but I wanted to give a reason for why I won’t be posting every single day like I have been for the past several months. I will undoubtedly be back very soon.