2/26/17: The College Experience

Discontented. I am not unhappy, not at all, but I am discontented.

Growing up seems to be wondering, “Is this it?” more and more often. Everything is heightened as a child; every emotion felt comes and goes with so much more intensity and brevity than in adulthood.

Maybe this is why teenagers are often written off as “angsty.” Maybe they’re quickly realizing that the excitement of childhood really is short-lived, but they don’t know how to communicate that just yet.

Young adulthood, where I currently abide, should be exciting. Right? College should be filled with friends and adventures, but so far, I have yet to fulfill that aspect of living. Does that mean I am simply not living? Merely existing? I used to think that that was such an overused term, but suddenly there is truth to it because I can’t even remember the last time I laughed. I mean really laughed. The kind of laugh where you can’t control yourself, where maybe a few tears slip out and your words are indecipherable. Where did that go?

I see my peers laugh like that all the time, so why not me? I want all the cliches I’ve been writing off all my life (likely solely because I can’t seem to find them for myself). Riding in a car full of friends singing along to a too-loud radio, going to concerts, spontaneous day trips to who-knows-where. I’ll even take the late night study sessions where my eyes feel too heavy to keep open and we recharge on coffee every hour.

Because I have had tastes of that kind of living, my God these kids don’t know how lucky they are to be surrounded by friends. Those few moments, even a couple years at one point, were some of the few times I have felt like I was living in a movie; where I felt and did everything I was supposed to feel and do. They don’t know how good they have it, because the only thing I have consistently longed for in my entire life is to truly belong.

This is the time of life that older people look back on and talk about with fondness; with pride and a longing look in their eyes. This is the time of life that people without social anxiety and an unlikable awkwardness take for granted.

I have fallen into a nasty rut long before I am supposed to. So, am I simply existing? Or am I simply jealous?

 

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8 thoughts on “2/26/17: The College Experience

  1. I find young adulthood very polarizing. One foot is still in childhood. The other is reaching out to full adulthood. It’s a very confusing time where you feel like you don’t belong in either. The result is nostalgia mixed with a sense of loss.
    I feel the best way to get passed that point is to just continue being you, and then let time do the rest. No need to long for experiences that are most likely not that far away.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Polarizing is a good way to explain it. There is a definite yearning to belong, but not knowing where you’re supposed to be. I think my biggest fear is that I’ll miss important “milestones,” if you will. This is always seen as such a good time in people’s lives by the older generations, and I honestly can’t see why because everything is so uncertain and in-between.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, that can be scary to think about where you stand. But take it from me. Milestones are overrated. It’s important to go through life at your own pace. Trying to catch up with the world gets exhausting after a while.

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  2. I just moved schools and am feeling something similar in some ways. I have “friends”. People I hang out with, but the other day, I realized how long it had been since I had a good laugh. It’s hard feeling alone in a crowd. Surrounded by people who feel that they belong.
    I don’t have much as far as answers, but I think it takes time and a level of shared comfort for those kinds of times be they deep talks about life, struggles, whatever or just long cleansing laughs more than a chuckle here or there. It also takes making things happen. Occasionally they do, but real relationship rarely happens by accident and it never lasts without purpose.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think the continued struggle is finding the people with whom maintaining a relationship like that is possible. Where you both are equally invested and just “click.” But you are right. These things take time and patience and a lot of work. And you cherish them when they do come around. I totally understand what you’re saying about being surrounded by people who feel as though they belong. That’s a very interesting point!

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  3. I’ve thought the same thing over the last few years, “Is this it?” I had a great college experience and felt like that was the peak, that nothing would ever get better. And now I’m trying to fill in the gaps that school left. I’m sorry to hear you’re not having the same experience. Life has ups and downs that we all go through at different points. The good thing about the downs, is that the ups are just around the corner.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It seems to be a question a lot of people ask at some point in their lives, maybe several times. It’s a great thing that you enjoyed college so much! This just now means you’re waiting for something as good or even better to come along, and it will (likely manifesting itself in a different, unexpected way)

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