I’ve been trying to figure out what to write, but my mind isn’t cooperating. I have too many half-thought thoughts swirling around in my brain to make one whole thought. It’s a mess up there.
And it’s even harder to write when you don’t know what to feel. Right now, not much. Two days ago, too much. I have too many things to think about to really feel any of them. I don’t know much of anything at the moment beyond existing.
Today, I got out of bed. I went to work. I smiled when I was supposed to. I laughed with people I like. It was genuine, too. But as soon as the moment passed, it had passed. That was it. No residual feelings.
It’s not a bad thing, even if it sounds like it is. I love days like this because nothing can shake me. I love days like this because it’s easy to be present in the moment.
I went to an impromptu lunch in a local fast food restaurant after work, and I relished in all the memories I have made in that building: post-beach lunches, casual dates, hanging out after school on Friday’s, a pit-stop on the way to Blockbuster when it was still down the street. I enjoyed reminiscing without my memories being clouded by any current emotions I have. I couldn’t be sad that they were gone or happy that I was reliving them. It just simply was. I simply was.
I’m ready to feel again, though. I like my emotions. They help me understand the world around me, the people around me, even God. I feel everything strongly and I use my emotions to write, to learn, and to love people. It’s been only a couple days and I already miss it.