Happy Monday, y’all!
Last week, I started this series in hopes to spread some joy and cause a bit of reflection in others (as well as myself, really). Aside from simply wanting to share some positivity, here’s the reason why I find it necessary:
If you meet me in person, I am happy pretty much all the time. I might not look like it at first because my natural expression looks really sad for some reason (People, please stop telling me to smile!! I’m okay!! It’s just my face!!), but as soon as you talk to me I promise I will laugh too much and smile the entire time we talk. If you come to me with a problem, you’d better believe I will listen intently and do my best to offer genuine, positive advice. If you’re sad, I’ll be extra (probably annoyingly) happy and ready to give you all the hugs you may need so that you’ll feel better. I like to leave people feeling better than before, or at the very least, not worse than before we met.
If there’s one thing I can say I know I’m pretty good at, it’s that I am genuinely concerned with how I treat people. I don’t always get it right, but I honestly try with every person I meet, even if we only talk for a second.
However, I am also a very emotional person. Sensitive, if you will. I feel a lot of things and I feel them very strongly. I cry at the sight of a cute puppy, I cry at even semi-sad movies and books (I had to actually stop reading Me Before You because it was too emotionally painful for me to finish the last chapter, which I eventually did several weeks later and then took at least thirty minutes to recuperate), I cry when people get married, I cry when I accidentally run over a bug or lizard on my bike, etc. etc.
So, because I am sensitive, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I don’t know how not to. If I’m having a bad day, you’re probably going to know it. I make sure to never let that cause me to be rude to people, but I will get extremely quiet and not smile or laugh as much and I become very reclusive. If I’m having a good day, I say hello to everyone I see and I sing along to the radio and you can’t get me to stop talking. There isn’t much of an in-between.
You’re probably wondering how any of this is relevant. Here’s how: when given a chance to be completely honest and to express how I feel, i.e. writing, I generally take it. It’s so unbelievably difficult to write and not be honest about my emotions. It feels like a lie. It feels like the words I am putting on paper, or in this case on the internet, are completely B.S.’ed. Writing is how I cope. I rarely verbalize my emotions, only acting upon them through my writing. If I can get it out, I can move on.
Then that leaves me coming across as a very negative person online. It makes it seem like I have all of this bottled-up emotion in me and that all of the positivity I try so hard to maintain in person is just a front. And it’s not.
So, the purpose in all of this is to keep me on track and so you all can see the happy side of me too. Maybe that’s selfish, I don’t know. I write a lot of poetry on here and it can get a little depressing, but it’s just simply how I cope with emotion. I can’t keep anything bottled up or I will go crazy. I hope you do like my poetry and I will continue to write it, but it’s not a reflection of myself. Yes, I felt all of those things at a time, but I probably don’t now or I don’t feel them as strongly or maybe I do but it doesn’t consume me.
One thing I have learned, and maybe what you can take from this, is that happiness is a choice. I can choose to let my emotions get the best of me, to let them rule me, or I can use my innate sensitivity to my advantage, and deal with it in my own ways.
I met a man today who works at the garbage dump, just sits in the sun all day everyday telling cars where to go, and he has to be one of the most positive people I have ever met. He is surrounded by the smell of garbage, sitting all day long in the heat, probably not getting paid enough, and yet he smiled and joked around with me like we’re best friends. Likewise, I have met many people who have wonderful jobs and a family that loves them and seemingly all these wonderful things in their lives, who are terribly unhappy. Regardless of your situation, a mental illness that makes it much more challenging, whatever it is, you can be happy. How you get there is entirely up to you.
Everyone has their struggles. I’ll tell you one of my biggest ones right now, why not? For the past year or so, I have been incredibly insecure in a lot of ways and for several reasons, both in my looks and personality. And it shows, but I’m working on it. I’m going to pretend I exude confidence until I actually do. That’s the choice I am making to be happy, to be more positive. Whatever you struggle with, be it an internal thing or something outside of your control, you have the power to choose to be positive. It’s not easy, but what’s easy is rarely what’s right.
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