To the boy last night: you don’t know what you’ve done.
You don’t know that your actions have been on my mind nonstop.
You don’t know that I’m grateful for any distraction right now.
You don’t know that I’m more messed up now than I’ve been before.
You don’t know that you pushed me over the edge.
That’s what happens when you only think about yourself.
See, I’ve been here before.
A boy set his eyes on me,
Had me thinking everything was fine and we were getting along,
Just to try and claim what is not his.
If I give an inch,
You boys will always take a mile.
I do not want to share my body with you,
But you didn’t think to ask that,
I saw through your small apology,
Because it felt just like him.
You did what you wanted and apologized later.
It dripped with anger because I was obviously uncomfortable.
He was always angry at me.
He took advantage of me.
On an unsuspecting night with an unsuspecting girl,
You decided you would do the same.
I could feel your anger as I wanted you to stop.
I was suddenly right back with him again.
I was afraid.
You didn’t know that.
How could I tell you,
When I knew you were already getting angry?
I was already full of fear of what you might do if I tried to stop you.
You pulled out of the parking garage when you finally understood that I was not okay,
I was so relieved,
But you still didn’t take me home.
You still wanted control,
And I could hear it in your voice as you asked why I was so quiet.
Your voice didn’t go quiver like mine had,
Nor did it shake.
I was afraid.
I’d been there before with him many times.
I couldn’t do it again.
You were a different person than him,
So I decided to treat it differently.
I quieted your anger by faking comfort and with a smile,
I said “silence is nice sometimes.”
You were unhappy with my answer,
Seeing through it,
But at least you let go of your anger.
He wouldn’t have.
I think you tried to make it better,
Once you calmed down,
But the damage had been done.
I knew I wouldn’t see you again.
You scared me in the same way he always did.
You didn’t know that he took advantage of me.
You didn’t know that he was always angry at me.
You didn’t know I just wanted respect.
I’m not an object.
I am not a body.
I am a human,
And you are not entitled to me.
Though I am worthy of your respect,
I don’t want it,
But I do refuse to let it happen again.
What happened with him all those years will not happen with you.
I will not be heartbroken again,
And I will not let you in.
You don’t know what you have done.