My mind has been on love today; the absence of it, the potential heartbreak in it, the yearning for it.
Today, I told everyone that I was quitting in the Kid’s Ministry at church, and as that was difficult enough (anyone who knows me knows how much I love those kids), it was the conversation that followed that has had me thinking all day. Among several reasons for leaving, I did not necessarily think my recent heartbreak had anything to do with my decision, but that was what came up in conversation. When the other teacher in our classroom, whom I have grown to truly love and admire, asked what my reasons were, I gave her my speech I’d rehearsed in my head for weeks before, but at the end of it, she stopped me to ask, “does it also have something to do with a recent breakup?”
I said yes. I didn’t think it did prior to that moment, but I immediately started crying as I explained the toll it has taken on me. I don’t miss him a bit; I’m just left with a lot of problems I never had before because of how I was treated. In reality, I just need to go to church with my family, not worrying about extra responsibilities at the moment, and work on myself. I never liked that expression too much before, but I understand the importance of it now. It gets harder and harder to be a good person for other people if you cannot also be a good person for yourself.
Being a little selfish is not necessarily…well, selfish. When we take care of ourselves, we grow. When we grow, we can help others do the same. It’s a cycle with all equally necessary parts. I’ve become drained. I gave all I could possibly give, and now I need a little time to get something back. I have nothing left to give, and I never want to run out again.